Standing Outside

I met this guitar player who had a collection of songs he would always play. There was one in particular that was in 3/4 that I loved to hear. It made me feel so many different emotions--sadness, love, fear, promise, hope--so when I offered to write lyrics to the song, he agreed. I went home to my apartment and started brainstorming different melodies and subject matter.

My grandfather had just passed away and my mom and I had just come home back from the funeral in St. Louis. It was a weird time because we drove across country to get there. Passing through different cities, watching the sun rise and set, seeing the beautiful landscapes was an overwhelming feeling but the reality of why we were seeing these things made it feel otherworldly. I was sad that my grandfather passed away but I was also sad at the idea that my mother had lost her father.

After I spoke to my dad who urged me to go, I felt that my purpose on this trip was to be a blanket for my mother. I wanted to be there to listen, to hug her, and to hold her hand through this moment. Even though she is my mother, during this time, I saw her as a daughter and I tried to put myself in her shoes to help absorb the pain. Sometimes, we are together but we are together on the outside. We are outsiders. This is how she's always felt her entirely life and I have somewhat felt this way too.

That was how this song came to life and the lyrics swam into my brain. It is written from my mother's point of view. I don't know exactly why it came out this way but I do know that when inspiration hits--no matter if it's a sad moment or a happy moment--you go with it.

The guitar player ended up liking the lyrics and the melody I came up with and we recorded the first version in the closet of his apartment. It was amazing to hear our musical talents collide for the first time. It will be interesting to see how our musical talents collide in our children. (Wink! Wink!)

Here is the first collaboration between Brian and I. Enjoy <3

 Standing Outside

Standing Outside

Standing out here
Wondering if you can still hear me
The rain has no fear
Drops have collected and become my tears
Standing outside
I always wonder where do I belong
Always outside
Cannot follow don't know where you have gone

Look at me I am breaking
I don't know what I'm doing
'Cause I've never lost anything that
Made me feel like I have nothing
Look at me I am only slowly fading
So how can I know where I'm supposed
To be when you're not here with me
So afraid to stay in here
Always...I'm...

Standing removed
Trying to prove I can move mountains through
This little frame
The perfect rendition of my memory of you
Standing outside
I always wonder where do I belong
Always outside
Can I be right if I am always wrong?

Look at me I am breaking
I don't know what I'm doing
'Cause I've never lost anything that
Made me feel like I have nothing
Look at me I am only slowly fading
So how can I know where I'm supposed
To be when you're not here with me
So afraid to stay in here
Always...I'm...