Focus

Photo by Brian Chism

These months are "focus" months. Last year ended in a blur with an arrow straight into my heart. That hole is where the memory of my dad lives and is still raw and healing. When I expect too much of myself - to be in control of the tears or the longing, I remember it's only been almost four months and I let myself grieve. Grief is definitely an ebb and flow of emotions, disappearing into the quiet abyss of everyday life and then flowing back with memories and realizations I swim through. It is the elephant in the room that is invisible to everyone else but me. In between the conversations and laughter, I wonder if I'll ever be okay again. I think I'll be okay again. Right?

So this elephant that keeps chasing me, I've decided to mount. The repetitive things that an adult must do to function in this world, I have decided to squeeze into the work week. Groceries on Wednesdays, laundry on Thursdays, cleaning on Friday and the like. On weekends, I'm using the elephant to explore the fields of my imagination, happiness and creativity - That Hans Zimmer's Masterclass I got for Christmas, working on another album, puzzling which calms me in a way I never expected, quality time with my husband, family and friends - those are all destinations on this ride. Less stress, less working seven days, more time, more healing of my soul and more smiles.